Full Hands

Full Hands

Somewhere between two and three children the comments changed from smiles and gushing to, “Oh my, you have your hands full”.   I have to agree.   I do indeed have my hands full, as I did when I had one child, and two children.

When my first was born, my whole world was transformed.  I was responsible for the well-being and training of another human being.  My hands were completely full.  When our second was born and I had to adjust to mothering two, my hands were full.  I can honestly say that my hands are no fuller with six children than they were with one.

It’s different yes.  My priorities have shifted, definitely.  Never, ever did I grab something from the dirty laundry pile, look it over to make sure there was no obvious dirt, smell it too make sure it didn’t get peed on and put it on her. I sometimes changed her clothes mid-day if they were dirty or just because I wanted to.  She bathed every single night, without fail!    She smelled like Johnson and Johnson and laundry soap, with fabric softener.  Let’s suffice to say, that may not always be true with the children I have my hands full with now.  Now I am catching baseballs and monitoring Mindcraft sessions and trying to make sure not too many days have passed since the last bath.  My hands are still full.

All parents have their hands full and of course their hearts too.  I remember being pregnant with my second and thinking, there was just no way I would be able to love him ( a man child) as much as my precious daughter.  But guess what?  He was born and my heart grew bigger.  I loved him instantly with an unconditionally love.  Third child came.  He screamed and threw fits like I had never witnesses and yet, my heart had more than enough love for him and I was captivated by his little mischievous self.  Then with the fourth, after I got over the fact that it was indeed another boy, I was smitten once more.  You see the trend.  Full hands, full hearts!

Someday my hands will be empty.  I admit I don’t like to think about it much!  No cheerios underfoot or worse yet legos.  The house might be clean and the laundry folded and put away.  No broken water balloons littering the yard.  No lunches to pack.  Empty hands, but my heart will always be full!

The story I am about to share with you happened when my hands were full with three babies ages 4, 2 and 5 months.  So full I almost cried.  I hope it brings you a little hope that we all feel overwhelmed at times.  All mothers have days when they do not feel like they are doing a very good job.  Our hands feel too full, and we feel like we can’t do it all.  I’ve had those days.  I’ve had them when I was mothering one child and I have them now.  It reminds me that I really can’t do it, or at least can’t do it well, without God’s help.  He knows I am not perfect (as do my children) and He gives me the grace I need to get through each circumstance, even when everything goes wrong.

I had planned a trip to see my friend in Philadelphia, about 3 hours away.  At this point the baby would scream for hours in the car, so I planned the trip around his nap.  We just bought a hand held DVD player that the older two could watch a movie on.  About an hour into the trip, my daughter threw up – on the DVD player – which died.  As I saw her throwing up in the rear view mirror, I confess that 2 thoughts went through my head and neither one was about her.  First I was concerned about that brand new DVD player and what my husband was going to say when we owned it for one hour and killed it.  Secondly, I was concerned that if I pulled over to help her, the baby would wake up and scream for the next 2 hours.

Fortunately, my maternal instincts kicked in and I pulled on the median of a 4 lane highway – traffic going both ways.  I got her cleaned up, put everything in a bag, changed her clothes, cried a bit over the broken DVD player and got back in my seat when my two year old said, “Mommy, I soaky”.  So I climbed back, changed him, changed his clothes, added his wet ones to the bag with the vomited ones.  So far, we were quiet enough to keep the baby asleep, when the skies opened and it began to rain the kind of rain that is LOUD.  He woke up and started wailing. So I climbed in the back and nursed him.

At this point I realized that I should really call my friend and tell her I was late.   I grabbed her number that I had written on a little piece of paper but I couldn’t reach my phone so I waited until I was done nursing him.  Then I realized that I had to pee really badly.  I didn’t want to bring the three kids in the pouring rain to some sketchy restroom at a service station so I had what I thought was a good idea.  I always kept Ziplock bags in the car, because my daughter got car sick often, so I put the baby back in his seat, grabbed a bag and tried to make sure everything made it into the bag.  When I was finished I tossed the bag on the floor sat down and pulled my pants up.  I quickly realized that my pants were wet.  I glanced at the bag on the floor and saw that the bag had a hole in it and pee was leaking on the floor.  I did the only thing I could think to do, toss the bag of urine into oncoming traffic.

So now the car smells like pee and vomit and I’m on the verge of tears because I can’t find the number to call my friend and tell her I will most definitely be late.  I’m searching all over my van and I finally sit down in the seat next to the baby when I notice that he is chewing on something.  That weird because he isn’t eating solids yet, so I fish into his mouth and pull put my little slip of paper that has my friend’s number on it – but I can’t read it because the numbers have all bled together.

I was officially defeated.  I climbed in the front seat and even though I wanted to cry at that point I couldn’t help but smile, because that’s just the way life is sometimes as a mom.  We are forgetful, stressed, human beings that don’t always make the best choices.  And we can’t control all of our circumstances, but we can control our responses to them (or at least we can try)!

Now you know that I truly will not judge you if you are having one of those day! Happy Mother’s Day to all!