Understanding Introverts

I am an extrovert, my husband, not so much! Up until the past few weeks I have seen this as a personality flaw, which needed to be fixed. My personality was clearly better and the more he could conform to me, the better we would be. Such maturity, I know.

I believe our culture is biased towards outgoing, extroverted people. The educational philosophies that dictate our schools mandate cooperative learning and group projects.   In my graduate  program, not one class went by without collaboration of some sort.  Our churches are equipped with corporate worship and small groups that encourage intimate interactions among pretty much strangers.

“Hello, welcome to the group. Would you like to share the most painful things on your mind and in your life that we can open up for prayer?”

None of this is bad. As an extrovert myself I actually enjoy collaboration of all kinds. I have been known to “force” my kids on play dates to get to know other moms. Being around other people energizes me, even after being around my small tribe day in and day out.

The opposite is true for my husband. As a teacher by trade, he is forced to interact with people all day long, and when he comes home we are the only people he is usually in the mood to interact with. . . and sometimes, not even us. He actually enjoys watching birds or the traffic go by on our street, alone. Upon further exploration on the subject, I’m pretty sure the reason he likes it, is because no one else does. It’s a chance for solitude and that is how he is energized.

I have, for the past 20 years, considered this to be his biggest weakness. Labels like anti-social, hermit, snobby, have all wandered through my mind. If only he was like me, our house would be more hospitable.

Lately I watched a clip of Susan Cain talking about her book, QUIET: The Power Of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, and I realized how foolish my opinions have been. My eyes have been opened ever so slightly to see that his personality is not a mistake but rather the perfect way that God has crafted him to be.

Did you know that statistically over one third of the population considers themselves introverted. That’s a whole lot of people for us extroverts to fix. Another interesting statistic is that introverts have better judgment. Maybe their quiet voices need to be heard.

Perhaps being the loudest voice (as extroverts usually are) is not the best thing leading our country, our schools, and our families. Perhaps we need that quiet, reflective person (who was probably just bird watching) to have the opportunity to speak in a way that is comfortable to them so that their opinions can make their way into our culture. I bet their ideas could help us. My husband’s discernment and ability to find rational solutions to my problems are often my saving grace.

“The next generation of quiet kids can and must be raised to know their own strength.” This is a quote from Susan Cain’s Introvert Manifesto. It struck me because I have a couple kids who, like their daddy, have quiet personalities. I can see how our chatty kids often talk over the quiet ones. We have a term we use for this:

“Mom, Zach (totally fictitious name) is skipping me again.”

No one likes to be skipped. Quiet kids have wonderful ideas but they are often overlooked because a louder voice silences them.

Speaking of loud voices, I have a hard time not cheering on my children at their sporting events. Apparently I cheer louder than they think is appropriate, and perhaps the recorded evidence strengthens their cause. So my boys have instituted cheering rules for their extroverted mother. No cheering at all if they messed up. No “Good try” or “Nice swing”. My husband moves away from me if I get to excited. Sometimes living with introverts is lonely.

As a mother of children with a wide range of personalities and gifting, this is a topic I plan to learn more about. I need to help my introverted children find their voice and express it in a way that they are heard. I want to equip them to function and thrive in a culture that may deem them faulty. And I hope to understand more, what energizes them and what drains them because apparently those things are not the same for all people.

I also want to help my extroverted children to change their way of thinking, and learn to keep quiet at times and let others have a chance to talk. They need to value the opinion of others, even though their own ideas are so wonderful they are hard to keep to themselves.

We all need to realize that God doesn’t make mistakes in the way that He designs us. He gave us the gifts He wants to have to make the world a better place. If my husband and I were both extroverts, we may never make time to be home, to be still, and to enjoy life. If we were both introverts, we may miss out on things that life has to offer too. Both have value. Though I’m still not sold on the value in watching traffic go by in quiet reflection.

Clearly, I still have much to learn on this topic. I realize how much I have judged my husband for his personality because I never sought to understand him. His ideas are well thought through and super pragmatic. Though he doesn’t have hordes of friends, he is loyal and involved with those he has. He has discernment and compassion. He studies people and knows what makes them tick. He helps me stay calm and gives me comfort and strength. He is confident to be who he is. I am proud to call him mine.

One of my “quiet” children just had a birthday. He only wanted one friend for the party. When we sang to him he started eating his cupcake like a puppy because he felt uncomfortable with all the attention on him. So it got me thinking a little about how to help him function in an extrovert majority population. How much to we expect of him and how much do we cater?  What is a reflection of his introverted personality and what is anti-social?

I usually have my home-schooled kindergarteners put on a little end of the year patriotic show. In all honestly it’s really more for me than anyone else. So, in what I would like to consider a moment of growth, I asked this quiet child if this was something he would like to do, to which he replied with an emphatic, “NO”. Burres America Program 2015 has been cancelled.

I am very interested in any words of wisdom from others who have pondered these things. Fortunately so far most of my judging has been used up on my husband so I don’t think I damaged my children too much. Thankfully, he isn’t too concerned with the judgments of others and has forgiven me. My goal is to try to understand the way in which introverts interact and become a better encourager for my quiet babies on their journey through life. And perhaps, they will marry an extrovert for me to cheer loudly with.