Letting Go

The journey from the cradle to college is almost over for my first born.  It hit me with fresh awareness as we visited her future college and when the bill was presented to be signed it was her signature that they requested, not mine.   

This year was filled with college applications, senior activities and a plethora of “lasts”, all leading to the hardest part of my job:  letting go. From the time my babies were placed in my arms I knew that this day was coming, hanging over me like a wet blanket. More dreaded than sick infants, stubborn toddlers and grumpy teenagers.  But God in His grace has helped me through this final stage of dependency by revealing to me these two things over and over. They are not really mine, they are His, and my identity cannot be found in their accomplishments or failures.

It had always been a dream of mine to be a mom and God granted my wish seven times  over. So for the past 18 years I’ve been living the dream. While other moms rejoiced over milestones met, it was hard for me not to mourn.  Watching my baby girl turn into a grown woman ignites immense joy and deep sorrow. Why? Because as her dreams are developing, mine are ending.  My perfect world involves all my babies under my roof; the family years, I’ve heard them called. The family years are about to end and it has the potential to tear me apart.  

But my perfect world would not be the perfect world for my children, or my husband if I am honest.  I will tell our children that they can always come back home and my husband adds on, “If you want to pay rent.”  Our job as parents is to raise them towards independence. I am really trying to work myself out of a job. As my kids grow, I have to fight the urge to control and be apart of every aspect of their lives.  It is hard for me, but I know it is important.

It is easy as a parent to see your children as an extension of yourself.  It is so easy to find worth in their accomplishments and feel defeated by their mistakes.  Yes, my children do reflect me; they are gloriously imperfect like their father and myself.  But my identity cannot become too wrapped up in theirs. They need the freedom to fail without it ruining me.  They need the freedom to win without me stealing their thunder. I cannot make their lives all about me.

My daughter’s God given abilities have brought accolades her whole life.  But I can honestly say, I had very little to do with her accomplishments. I was her teacher from birth to age 6.  I spent her third year of life going through the alphabet. When we got to the letter Q she started reading on her own.  My first thought was, “Wait, we haven’t finished the letters!” Clearly she didn’t learn to read from me. Actually her only academic weakness is her handwriting and as her kindergarten teacher, she did learn that from me.  I will try not to allow that to defeat me.

This year she received college offers from very prestigious schools and had some amazing scholarship opportunities extended to her.  Human nature wants to shout it from the mountain tops (or just post it to social media): “My kid is amazing! Look at all she has accomplished.”  I have grappled with this all year. Although there is nothing wrong with celebrating the successes of our children publicly, I think we have to be aware of why we are doing it.  For me, it came down to pride. And I realized that our family could celebrate these accomplishments without broadcasting every detail to the general public. If it doesn’t happen on Facebook, it still happens.  

Because I am raising seven very different children, I also never want the message to be that their accomplishment are the thing we care about most.  My heart is warmed more by a simple act of kindness shown by a child of mine, than by A’s on the report card. When a child waits to hold the door for an elderly woman, I am proud!  When a child gives from his own money to someone less fortunate, I am proud! When child overcomes a weakness, I am proud! We can’t boil down success to the best grades and the highest ranking schools.  Success in my book comes from  character growth!

When I see my daughter as God’s child,  equipped with the gifts that He gave her, I can be proud of who she is regardless of  her academic, athletic, musical or artistic awards. And I am so proud of who she chooses to be: kind, generous, honest and thoughtful.  I am honored to have played a small part in that. But the real honor goes to the God who made her.  She is His and that makes it so much easier to let her go!

That’s what God has been affirming to me as I accept this new stage of parenting:  her life is not all about me.  My family was not meant to fulfill me the way my relationship with God does. My children cannot take on the weight of that burden.   Their lives are meant for so much more than my happiness. He has allowed me to be their biggest fan and that will not end even when they are no longer under my roof.   God has equipped them with gifts to use in this world. I had a hand in helping their gifts grow and develop and I will get to watch with delight as they spread their wings and fly off to do great things.  Even if it is without me.

So fly away, my first born.  Go and do great things. Use your gifts to make this world a better place!  Smile and find joy in doing what you love best. Be confident in who you are.  Always be humble and kind! And remember the nest you were raised in and those who love you most!