Adolescence: that lovely time of your life when you are the only person you know who isn’t dumb. It’s a lonely place, where very few understand or appreciate your genius.
We all remember it. Most of us have a few embarrassing stories that still linger in the recesses of our mind. It’s marked by awkwardness, lanky limbs, questionable hygiene, and strong scents. We can see the body changing from child to adult, slowly but steadily. Some kids are self-conscious of these changes and others proudly display the microscopic underarm hair and barely visible mustache.
I’ve done a little research on the topic in an attempt to understand and possibly outsmart my tribe. Much of the growth during adolescence is actually hidden from sight. The brain undergoes a total makeover during these years of growth. Many of the unused connections in the thinking and reasoning portion of a child’s brain are pruned away while other connections are strengthened.
The decision-making part of the brain, you know, the part responsible for a child’s ability to plan and think about the consequences of actions, solve problems, and control impulses, is remodeled last. In fact, it’s not totally developed until early adulthood.
Because the reasoning part of the brain is under construction, teenagers tend to rely on emotions, impulses and instincts to make decisions. Let that fact settle for a moment! It might explain some of the decisions your child has made recently.
Not long ago I asked my young teenager to babysit while I ran to get pizza. When I returned not more than ten minutes later, the babysitter was on the roof of our house kicking a soccer ball. The three year old was stuck halfway out of the window, attempting to follow him.
He explained with total seriousness that he had in fact done the responsible thing of fetching the ball when it went on the roof (don’t ask how it got on the roof!). It certainly wasn’t his fault that the little one attempted to follow him out. He didn’t tell him to follow him, in fact, he told him not to follow him. I should really be thanking him, not yelling at him. He saved the ball (and made a goal from the rooftop!).
These are the real important things that his adolescent mind values. Though logic and reasoning were clearly missing from his perspective, he wasn’t trying to be irresponsible; it just comes all too naturally to teenagers.
I’m learning how to balance understanding his developing mind and my desire to shake him just a little, maybe rattle a connection into place. I know I was the same way. My logical conclusions were nowhere near rational to my parents. My foggy brain was still clearing. People were patient with me, and I need to return the favor.
But good lord, I have a lot of waiting to do before my little men are young adults. I need a lot of prayer to stay patient and even more prayer to keep them alive. Decisions based on emotion, impulses and instincts don’t usually end well. It reminds me of this line from Luke Bryan’s song, Most People Are Good, “I believe that youth is spent well on the young. Cause wisdom in your teens would be a lot less fun.”
I think what makes adults anxious about life is the fact we are all too aware of the consequences of actions and we rethink every outcome and tend to choose the safest one. Kids are just looking to enjoy this good life that they have. This year of COVID-19 has been stretching for all of us, but our teenagers might have been stretched the most. We have bubble wrapped them and taken away all their freedoms and rites of passage. In the name of safety they have missed proms, graduations, sports, vacations, driver’s tests, goodbyes, and friends. As an adult I am struggling to find this process “logical” so we can’t expect our kids to come to that conclusion either.
2020 has given us no shortage of topics to discuss with our children. Good news: They have discovered the solutions and answers to most of the issues our country is facing. If only someone would ask their opinion, all of this nonsense would be solved. My husband was trying to explain this verse to one of our boys today: Proverbs 26:12, “Do you see a person wise in their own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for them.” It went so well. He really understood the value of what his father was saying and thanked him for helping him grow and develop (insert sarcastic eye roll). It is exhausting debating with a developing mind, but our kids need us to. Just like they needed us in all the other stages of development.
I am speaking to myself more than anyone! We need to engage our growing children in discussions to help these parts of their brains develop, without expecting them to already be there. Our children sometimes look like men and women physically, but they are not quite there yet mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. They need patient, kind, rational mentors to help them bridge the gap; and we need their sense of adventure and optimism to keep us young at heart.
Traditionally, September marks the start of school. Many parents rejoice that they will now have a break from their duties of debating logic with a brain that is still developing. For those of you, whose districts are not sending middle and high-schoolers back to school, take heart! Your job is so important. We might not think our kids are listening to a word we say, but if we can keep them alive until adulthood, I think they will amazed us with the the people they become. I see glimmers of mature thinking every now and again and it warms my soul. I love hearing their perspectives and ideas, even if some of them might need a little tweaking.
Embrace the journey of parenting adolescents. It’s a great one to be on! Honestly, that might just be a lie I am telling myself because I will be on this journey for the next 20 years! Lift a prayer my way, friends!