Boys Are Gross

Boys Are Gross!

I know this sounds like a sexist, elementary school playground thing to say but, boys are gross!  I have raised five boys and one girl and let me tell you, they are not the same.  Maybe it’s just my girl and my boys.  Maybe this generalization is unfounded.  I will give you my first hand observations and let you decide.

My girl is picky.  She doesn’t like to try new foods and has actually made herself vomit over the texture of certain foods.  We have had our food battles over the years but never, ever did she eat:  dirt, poop, pre-chewed gum off a table in the mall, sand, leaves, mulch, plastic leaves off a fake tree, bugs,  money, boogies ( okay, she might have eaten a boogie or two) . . . all of which my boys have eaten.  Now that you know my boys have eaten those things, look at the list again!  BOYS ARE GROSS!

You may think I don’t feed them or that I haven’t instructed them what not to eat.  I thought I covered the basics like, “Don’t put that marble or Lego in your mouth.”  “Don’t eat sand.  Sand is yucky.”  I didn’t know I would have to be so specific.    “Don’t eat out of the trash, or off the floor, or out of the potty.”

Did you know that you need to tell your children not to eat money?  My son swallowed a penny and the doctor said that because of the kind of metal it is made out of you need to make sure he passes it.  That was a fun exercise!  So after that we sat the kids down and drilled it into them, don’t put money in your mouth.  Not only is it dirty, but you could swallow it.

Not even a week later my 8 year old swallowed a nickel.  Apparently when we talk they only hear, “blah, blah, blah”.  That one didn’t go down so easily either, so he was a bit shaken up.  If only we could get them to poop money without them eating it first.  On a side note, my husband actually cleaned that nickel off (with all sorts of bleach) and used it.  So that was my new example.  “Don’t put money in your mouth.  Someone else might have eaten it and pooped it out.”

Recently, my toddler dropped his pacifier on the floor in the doctor’s office and quick as a flash stuck it back in his mouth while I was grabbing for it.  As I was picturing the millions of germs clinging to it, the doctor informed me that the five second rule has in fact been proven to be somewhat true.  As the mother of five boys who eat things off of any surface, I celebrated her expert thoughts on the issue.   Later that day the same child found a French fry recently dropped at the baseball field and ate that too, sand and all.  Not sure the five second rule applies there.

One time we were pulled over on a side street because one of the boys had to pee (Yes, we do that a lot).  I notice a dime on the edge of the road in the grass, pee splashing all over it.  Guess what?  So did my boy.  When we got home I saw he had a dime . . . in his mouth (see I told you they don’t listen)!  When I asked him where he got that dime he excitedly told me he found it on the side of the road.  He was thrilled with his pee covered treasure.

I saved the best story for last.  I was in the Ikea restroom with my sister-in-law and our boys.  My son came out of the bathroom and LICKED HIS HANDS.  I was mortified!

“What did you do?  Why did you lick your hands?  You just pooped.  That is so gross.”

He calmly explains to me, “Mom, don’t worry.  It doesn’t taste as bad as it smells.”

My sister-in-law was doubled over in laughter because these things are funny when they happen to someone else’s child.  But when you are the mom of the poop licking boy, you just feel like you’ve failed on so many levels and there is no hope for this child to ever adapt into cultured society.

So tonight when you are stressing about those green beans that your toddler won’t eat for dinner, or you think maybe the pacifier was dirty when you popped it into the baby’s mouth, or maybe, heaven forbid, someone ate something off the floor.  You can rest assured that they will be just fine!   And if I am way off about this being a boy thing, tell me your gross girl stories to prove me wrong.  Better yet tell me your gross boy stories too and we can commiserate together.

Disclaimer:  My husband doesn’t eat anything gross (other than scrapple) so I am holding on to the theory that my boys will someday outgrow this phase too.