It’s Not About Me

My daughter recently took her PSAT test and thus the college letters have begun to arrive in our mailbox beckoning her to schools across the country. She’s fifteen. I have two and a half more years with her before she spreads her wings and flies out of our nest. I’m not going to lie; the idea makes me want to throw up.

I’m holding on to these “family years” with a death grip, but I know my time is fleeting. These fifteen years have undeniably been the best of my life. Exhausting, frustrating at times, and yes, over-whelming! But nothing has been more rewarding for me than getting to be a mom.

Selfishly, I never want the “family years” to end.

It is true, that we still have a gaggle of children to raise after Kali leaves for college, but it won’t be the same. I remember when my older sister went to college; we kept waiting for her to come home to feel complete. I’ll never forget how excited my mom was that first Christmas. It was clearly the most important thing on her mind, to have all her babies under her roof again. Once the first one leaves, the family dynamics change, ever so slightly. The releasing has begun and there is no way to get them back.

I have said from the very beginning of our parenting journey that I am going to stink at this part. Some hate the baby stage, others dread the teenage years, for me it’s the growing up part that brings me to tears. I have been reflecting on it more as those college letters have starting coming and I realize that my perspective is very egocentric.

As if being a mom is all about me. My children weren’t put here for my glory. They were gifted to me for His glory; their Creator.

The Westminster Catechism asks, “What is the chief end of man?” And it answers, “Man’s chief end is to glorify God, and to enjoy him forever.”

See that, nothing about me in there. The sole purpose of my life is to honor God with it. The sole purpose of my children’s lives is to do the same. My happiness must not become an idol to His honor. I can’t hinder them from becoming who God created them to be. That might mean they move far away from me. I have to be okay with that.

For now I will focus on the baby steps in front of me. I need to perceive the future with joy instead of dread. God willing, I will have the joy of seeing seven adorable babies grow into amazing men and women of faith. What does the world need more than that?

Each child is uniquely designed with special skill sets, interests, strengths and weaknesses. I believe they were given their personalities by God to fulfill His purpose for their lives. They have to fly and soar and discover who they were meant to be. Some of mine are just starting on this path and others are knee deep into trying to figure it out. But my baby girl is rounding the corner into adulthood and she amazes me every day with who she has become: beautiful, strong, loving, creative, thoughtful, fun, determined, constantly trying to make the world a better place. I couldn’t be prouder to release this one into the world so she can do her thing and honor her God with her life. It’s going to be great.

Of course, it helps that I still have a baby to snuggle. Someday I will have to make my peace with the fact that my “baby years” are going to have to end too. One step at a time.

“Remember when we said when we turned gray,
When the children grow up and move away,
We won’t be sad, we’ll be glad, for all the life we’ve had,
And we’ll remember when!”
– Alan Jackson