Letting Go

I have been at this momming gig for twenty-four years now.  In that time, I would say I have become somewhat of an expert on certain things.  

I have a certain level of expertise in all things laundry. I can easily fit three to four loads of laundry into my schedule on most days. I know that soccer socks must be washed in a load by themselves or everything else in there will have a distant stench of musty feet. I don’t want to brag but I even learned a trick to get baseball dirt stains out of most pants, the goal standard in laundry awards. 

I can pack a dishwasher to fit the maximum amount of dishes, whip up a batch of cookies without looking at the recipe, and tell you the plot of most of the books on the school summer reading list. I know I’m making you all jealous!

I would also say I have a moderate level of expertise in mom health.  I can usually determine if the child’s, “my stomach hurts” means they don’t want to go to school or they will be vomiting in the near future.  My concussion radar is pretty accurate as well as my bacterial strep throat versus viral sore throat meter (Okay, I rely on the over the counter strep test from Amazon for that one).  

There are things I have learned how to do well, and things I have barely managed to learn in my twenty-four years of momming, but the one that is proving to be the hardest of all is letting go. My fourth baby left for college today and though I’ve done this before, I am nowhere close to mastering this skill. 

Although I am not an expert I have learned a few things over the years. I’ve learned that control wasn’t the goal. I’ve made my life choices. Now it is time for my children to make theirs. They aren’t me, so they aren’t going to always think the way I do. I need to trust their priorities and choices, and pray for them, not worry over them. Well, maybe I’ve learned to worry less, and pray more. Truth be told, I doubt I will ever learn to not worry at all. 

I am learning that parenting adultish children is more about supporting than fixing; asking questions instead of jumping to conclusions; encouraging rather than managing. Mama’s of littles who are managing every aspect of your child’s life, you might long for this, but the transition isn’t always easy. How do I stay connected and still let go?  

I am having my fair share of trouble learning to stay quiet and be a better listener. Apparently at the letting go phase of life, I should only offer advice only when it’s asked for. But I still have so much great advice, and just maybe it will help my children avoid the mistakes I made. No, the window for my unsolicited advice has closed. Apparently my yapping will do more harm than good and I need to learn to hold my tongue. I’m learning that I’m not very good at it. 

I was thinking about the phrase “letting go” and the various ways we do this as parents. When our babies are learning to stand on their own, we stabilize them and then quickly – let go. Can they balance? We are right there to make sure they can. Years later when they are learning to ride a bike, we run alongside holding the seat until we are sure they have it and then we – let go. They can do it! They are so proud and so are we. Sometimes still holding onto the seat is actually hindering them from going faster, and smoother, and well, where they want to go. 

My babies aren’t really babies anymore. My youngest is nine. He might need some more seat holding. The two in high school have definitely not heard all of my great advice yet. But the older four are “adults” and any amount of seat holding isn’t helpful. They have it and they just need me to cheer as they take off on their path and help them up if they fall. Because falling is also part of learning. And just maybe not letting go, would hinder them from learning some pretty important life skills. 

I’m watching my children pedal away from me, smiles on their faces, their path before them, and my heart is breaking a little. Those are my babies, my heart and soul. The first thought on my mind in the morning and the last before bed. But my precious ones don’t need me to hold on anymore. They need me to let go. 

One benefit of the letting go stage of life is that it can come with the added bonus of grand babies. I heard it said that being a grandparent is even better than being a parent. I never believed it because nothing could be better than being a mom. This year Ken and I became grandparents, and it is simply divine. We love our grand baby girl so much. And it is thrilling to watch your child take on mothering and kill it! Oh, the pride to know my grand girl will get the best possible nurturing. 

But I stand by my opinion, mom is still the best job! I hope my babies always know that I adore my job as mom. They were never a burden. They were and will always be my greatest purpose, my biggest joy. And if they need me to let go, then I better figure out how to do it well. 

I think letting go is reminding your grown children that you trust them and respect the choices they are making. Letting go requires praying, a lot. Because the things they don’t know, God can show them. I love the lyrics in the song “Jesus ‘Bout My Kids” by Luke Bryan.

You lose your grip the more they grow

They won’t listen ’cause they think they know

And you watch ’em going down a dead-end road

And you can’t stop ’em, Lord, please watch ’em

I used to talk to my kids about Jesus

Pray they’d find Him sooner than I did

I used to talk to my kids about Jesus

Now I talk to Jesus ’bout my kids

Guide ’em as they go

‘Cause if anyone does, You know

Along the straight and narrow

All the places they could fall

I used to talk to my kids about Jesus

He knew and loved ’em long before I did

I used to talk to my kids about Jesus

Now I talk to Jesus ’bout my kids

Needless to say, Jesus and I chat a lot about my kids. He’s helping me let go, because it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I can trust them to Him. I know that God will never let go of them. They were His from the start.  I don’t know if I will ever be an expert on letting go but I’m sure it will get easier with more practice. And as they grow, I will have no shortage of that.